Best.Orgasm.Ever.

{written by: Carrie}

The best orgasm ever has got to be when I'm high.
It's like I can get off 3 or 4 times in a night when I get stoned. It's amazing! I can sit here on a Friday night alone, with my pipe and my porn and pleasure myself better than any man ever could!
Besides, I hate men right now. I have absolutely 0 desire for sex. I don't want to flirt, I don't want to go on dates, I just want nothing.to.do.with.men. Except for one who I'm becoming more and more fond of as I get to know him. But I think if he tried to hook up with me I would even say no. Ugh. Just don't touch me.

OK so I'm venting. I've been smoking a lot this week, some of you may know why. It's probably not the best thing to do, but thus is life. Only time I don't feel sick or miserable. (OK maybe a little emotional causing me to write blog posts that probably aren't suitable for public) Sometimes I think I'm extremely too open with complete strangers, but I can't help but think there is someone out there who is saying, "Me too."

Anyway, I'm gonna go watch the visualizer on itunes until I pass out.
Peace.

Hmm..

{written by: Carrie}

. Ever been to a male strip club? 

No, only because I grew up in Utah. I'd love to go to one!

2. Ever been to a female strip club?

Eh, no. Moving on..

3. Ever been to a bar?

The good the bad and the ugly

4. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?

Mm.. yes. I didn't know there was such a thing as "too drunk". I guess jumping up on stage and dancing is only cool until you throw up. 

5. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere?

Indeed. There have been many times I've woken up wondering "where am I?" 

"how did I get here?"

and

"who's clothes am I wearing?"

6. Ever been so drunk you blacked out?

Only a few times.. Still wonder what happened in those dark moments.

7. Kissed someone of the same sex (no relatives):

When I'm drunk I do tend to love.. everyone. Even shoot pornos with Jessica's little sister. Something like that.

8. Had sex with more than one person in a 24 hour period?

close..

9. Had sex in a car?

Ugh. Don't remind me.

10. Had sex in a park?

Again, bad memories.. not good.

11. Had sex in a movie theater?

Gave a hand job once..

12. Had sex in a bathroom?

Made out with a chick once in the bathroom of the movie theater. We snuck in bitch beers and saw Star Wars. 

13. Had sex in a school?

No.. do I go to school? 

No..

14. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?

haha yeah... awkward..

15. Have you ever purchased items from adult store?

I'm more of a "home party" kind of buyer.

16. Have you spent over $100.00 in one visit to the adult store?

Indeed. I have! 

17. Is there something you wish you could do while having sex?

orgasm?

18. Is there someone you wished you would have had sex with?

Oh.. in a fucking heartbeat. 

19. Ever given oral sex or received?

What kind of writer would I be if I hadn't? 

20. Have you ever had a threesome?

No. Don't know if I ever could. The novelty is nice, but I'm much too jealous of a girl

21[a]. (GIRLS) Are your breasts real?

Yes, they are. And still growing.

21[b]. (GUYS)Have you ever used viagra (or anything like it)?

n/a

22. Would you rather give or receive oral sex?

Receive. Sorry, I'm selfish. 

23. Have you ever kissed a stranger?

haha oh... wish I could say I hadn't. Everyone is a stranger at some point.

24. Have you ever had a one night stand?

Yes. and that's all I want to say about it.

25. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?

Let's act like for a second I have a regular sex life. I'm more of a nighttime kinda girl. But if I want it, I want it.

26. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?

haha I wish I was that smart.

27. Do you watch/read pornography?

Possibly. But I'm a lady!

28. Have you ever been caught having sex?

haha not "having" sex. But my mom walked in on passed out topless on top of my ex in my room once. UM... awkward...

29. Have you ever had sex at work?

made out in the walk in freezer once..

30. Does anyone have naughty pics of you or are you on film?

haha um... my ex may or may not.

31. Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?

haha yes. Awkward...

32. Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time?

Now we're talkin'! 

33. Where is the craziest place you have had sex?

going down this road only brings up bad memories.

34. What is your favorite position?

motion of the ocean? what?

I like the bottom. I'm lazy like that.

35. Who is your naughtiness dream fuck?

Well lately I've been having dreams about fucking my friend's sexy boyfriends. Not quite sure what it means, but I wake up feeling really guilty. 

I have no [sex] life...

{Written by Kat}

At the moment... I really don't.
The men in this town are ugh... just ugh.
(With the excepting of "Grant" my Catholic boy crush)
And as far as pulling out my B.O.B. for a little release... I haven't lately.

So, I have been hangin out on the interwebs...
& *gasp* went on to mySpace!!!

There I found what mySpace is good for:
The Adult Survey

1. Ever been to a male strip club? 

No, but I'd love to go to Vegas and see the Auzzie boys!

2. Ever been to a female strip club?

Actually no... I have told a few boys I'd take them when they got old enough though, heh

3. Ever been to a bar?

That would be a yes.

4. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?

Thankfully no.

5. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere?

Ha! Yes, from the top floor of the dorms down to my room on the first floor freshman year... Never eat popcorn before a night of drinking, IT'S NOT GOOD COMING BACK UP!

6. Ever been so drunk you blacked out?

I faded in an out of the ride down the hall and elevator in #5.

7. Kissed someone of the same sex (no relatives):

Yep. Girls are usually pretty good kissers too.

8. Had sex with more than one person in a 24 hour period?

Nope, this is where I get all prude-y.

9. Had sex in a car?

Check.

10. Had sex in a park?

Nope.

11. Had sex in a movie theater?

Nope, but I'd prolly get fired if I tried at work! ;o)

12. Had sex in a bathroom?

Check: Showers can be fun!

13. Had sex in a school?

That would be where I lost my V-card.

14. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?

Please! I went the day I turned 18!

15. Have you ever purchased items from adult store?

Yes, ma'am sir reader!

16. Have you spent over $100.00 in one visit to the adult store?

Yeah, at Cathy's (Bitten Usagi)! LOL!

17. Is there something you wish you could do while having sex?

I've thought about restraints before...

18. Is there someone you wished you would have had sex with?

Who would I... Absolutely!

19. Ever given oral sex or received?

Check & check =D

20. Have you ever had a threesome?

Not yet...

21[a]. (GIRLS) Are your breasts real?

Yep and so are my back pains.

21[b]. (GUYS)Have you ever used viagra (or anything like it)?

n/a

22. Would you rather give or receive oral sex?

Give depends... but mostly give.

23. Have you ever kissed a stranger?

Welcome to my teen years/college youth.

24. Have you ever had a one night stand?

Only one.

25. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?

When I am in love, I'll take all of the above please!

26. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?

Nope. But I have for fun =]

27. Do you watch/read pornography?

I have... ;o)

28. Have you ever been caught having sex?

With my first partner, almost.

29. Have you ever had sex at work?

Close, we were walked in on during the pre-game stage

30. Does anyone have naughty pics of you or are you on film?

Nope. I don't trust anyone enough to give them that.

31. Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?

I have been close a few times...  But never out loud.

32. Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time?

As in orgy? Nope. As in polygamous? Nope.
Sometimes I'm a bit prude...

33. Where is the craziest place you have had sex?

In a bed where someone else was sleeping too...

34. What is your favorite position?

Honestly, depends on the partner...
Sometimes it IS the motion of the ocean.

35. Who is your naughtiness dream fuck?

Probably Tommy Lee... But the amount of possible STDs practically scares me sterile!

Well that was fun...

Now where is my B.O.B.!

Let's start with masturbation

{Written by: Francesca}

It's as good a place as any.

You might expect us dirty-minded sex-obsessed bloggers to say Everybody Does It, and if you say you don't we know You're Lying. However, I am evidence of the contrary.

When I was younger, I was a complete dud at masturbation. Frankly, I didn't even try, because it required a degree of coordination I did not possess. Get worked up and bothered? Yes. Once I tried to continue past that point, it was simply an exercise in frustration. So why get bothered?

As a sexually active adult, I learned to reach down and help things out if I sensed my partner wasn't going to last long enough; a little manual stimulation and I could prevent frustration most of the time.

[Shit. I'm talking like an intellectual instead of
a dirty girl who wants to grab Tila every time she sees that picture...
Let me try that last paragraph again.]

So, once I started having regular sex (woohoo!), I found that sometimes the guy was a little too quick to finish. So I reached down and FLICKED IT! before he ran out of juice (which REALLY can be taken multiple ways), and usually got off before it was too late. But that's as far as it ever went.

Until the OM entered the picture. Oh, my God, I drool over him. He's hot, hard, ready to go, thinks I'm sexy, and will talk dirty to me any time I ask.

[Unless he's home with the wife and kids. ]

He can go all night, and if I ever get REAL sex with him again, neither of us will walk properly for a week. Will you pray to the Goddess with me that this happens SOON?

Ahem. Let me try not to get my desk chair TOO sloppy this early in the day.

So this is how it all happened: Once upon a time, I met this guy. He was H-O-T hot. Just about perfect for me. We spent the summer thinking about it and TWO DAYS in hot sex - on the floor, on the ceiling, continuous, fabulous, shaking-just-remembering-it sex.

But the timing was wrong. We went our separate ways geographically after the summer. We talked on the phone a lot, but surprisingly, not about sex; we became better friends. I met DH. Time passed. We talked less. He had some really wild times with many women, and eventually got married. And we each have 3 kids.

Almost 20 years passed. About 6 months ago I sent him a friend request on facebook.

[Please, no anti-facebook comments. Facebook facilitates
the immoral activities of many; it is NOT the CAUSE!]

And we talked, and caught up.

And one day, in the chat box, we talked about memories. And what-if's. And went farther than we probably should, but who can regret? We talked about what we WOULD do now, and I had the best orgasm I'd had in years.

In a chat box. Yes, like IM. Not even with voice involved. In a CHAT BOX.

[There was considerable hands-on action, too.]

I never knew that "masturbation" had a different flavor orgasm from intercourse and real-sex orgasms. But even THAT is getting me hot and bothered.

[And you wondered why it took me so long to write this post.]

Where did we go from there? Well, we're farther apart than ever geographically. We have had Chat-Box sex. Then we started phone sex. Oh, my God, I can climax just thinking about his voice. And what he says to me. How he's going to fuck me harder than I've ever been... In the right situation, it's amazing.

The dumb-ass hubs is INCAPABLE of talking dirty. I've asked him to, he can't. He can't have sex if he's talking at all. I pretty much never stop talking. I've done without for years, and it's so much better, if that's what you want, to GET WHAT YOU WANT.

This post is long enough. I'll get more detailed next time in what phone sex is and is not, and how it works for me. That's what we ponies do - TMI is the rule here!

So. Neither of us is happy in our marriage. Both of us are reluctant to leave because we have 6 children whose lives would be uprooted. Not ruined, but not easy. Neither of us is willing to hurt the ones we love most (our kids), or to be away from them for any length of time.

He's my fucking soul mate, and I can't have him.

ps: This post both made me extremely horny AND made me cry. I hope it fulfills the promises I've made! Because I don't think I can write it again.

Valentine's Day

{written by: Carrie}

Since I'm the only one blogging anymore... guess I'll bitch and moan about how much I hate Valentine's day. I mean really, did we have to make a holiday out of it? Aren't anniversary's, Christmas, birthdays, weddings, babies, enough to remind those lucky couples out there how much they love each other? 

Yes, I'm bitter. And jealous, and skeptical, and extremely moody and emotional lately. I'm blaming it on the time of the month. All Valentine's day does is remind me of all my failed attempts at relationships. It's been 7 months since Conner and I were dating and I still wish every day that it hadn't ended. I don't think I've held on to someone in my heart this long, ever. It's killing me because I know it will never be... but what can I do? The memories are there. He's there.. everywhere and everything brings up the good times we had. 

Is there some kind of magnetic energy that let men know when a girl is vulnerable, on the verge of a meltdown? I swear every time I'm having one of those nights Conner will randomly call me. He called the other night, just wanted to know how things are going in Colorado. I can't deny the sound of his voice makes me want to cry. I'm pathetic, and I'm aware of it. I wish I could get him out of my head. I just don't know if I'll ever find someone as perfectly compatible as he is to me. 

*sigh* I wish "moving on" was easier done than said. But it doesn't help when he says to me, "Hey I just ran across some pics from our trip to NY and remembered what good times we had." [falls over as the knife stabs her in the heart] The worst part is I don't think he'll ever know how I feel. 

So here I am..the only girl in the house without a date tonight. At least I have my puppy. He's not very cuddly lately though. :( That's practically the only reason I bought him. 

Guess I'll get B.O.B (the battery operated boy) out tonight and pass out. Happy Valentine's Day to me.

The Finale of No Sex In Utah County

For those of you who read my first blog, No Sex In Utah County, I finally wrote out the finale of my last day in Utah and my visit with Conner.

Enjoy. :)

Kiss kiss

One night stand

{written by: Carrie}

I apologize for my absense, (I know you've missed me) it's been a crazy ride the past couple weeks. And I wish I meant sexually. So I made the big move from Utah to Colorado 2 weeks ago and have been in bliss since the second I saw "Welcome to Colorful Colorado". Gosh I love this state. The good looking men are more plentiful, everyone is so creepily friendly, and I just... I donno.. fit in.

I love living with Jessica (even if sharing a room may one day be an obsticle when one of us brings a man home. I mean... when I bring a man home) We have 2 other roomies we found online who are pretty rad as well. Everything is just beautiful. Not that you care. You came here for the sex talk, right?

Wednesdsay night we had a roomies girls night and went out to get to know each other better. OH, I think we got to know each other alright. We went to this country bar (gag me) because it was ladies night and drinks were free (supposedly) We ended up having to pay for them which pissed me off, but that's another story. My roommate Monique kept handing me drinks so that made me happy.

I don't know why I've been slightly more insecure lately than normal. I guess it's a new market for me, and I'm no longer better than all the men in the club. When making conversation with random men who came up to me it really pissed me off when they asked, "are you mormon?" when I told them I was from Utah. I know it's a curse that comes with the location but I thought I moved AWAY from Utah so I could stop hearing that. At least they asked and didn't assume.

I was walking behind my friends when this fairly attractive man approached me and said, "do you know how to country dance?" Not wanting to pass up an opportunity I shrugged my shoulders and said, "kinda!" So we hit the dance floor and I was somewhat amused with him. First off I should make myself clear... I made a goal that night to get laid. I didn't necessarily care from who or how.. I just wanted to end this dreadful dry spell behind with the state. I don't think in normal circumstances I would have had much interest in this man.

Monique grabbed me afterwards and said, "moving on" and we went to scope out the rest of the men there. I like her game of getting them hooked then leaving them high and dry... but I couldn't help thinking "but---but he said I was pretty!"

As she handed me more drinks I became more and more insecure. No one else was showing me much attention next to my 2 gorgeous roommates so when they went to the restroom I snuck off to find "the man in the blue shirt who said I was pretty."

I found him within a few minutes sitting with his friend. I wish I could share with you more details of our conversation but I was so drunk I could no longer stand on my heels. I had a seat at the bar and began to flirt with him. He kept telling me how beautiful I looked and how he wanted to get to know me better. I liked the sound of it and gave him my number. Then he asked me if I wanted to go play guitar hero with him that night.

I know.. I know.. you're going to shake your head, but I'm that easy. I was like, "OMG I love guitar hero! Let's go!" Did I think about the fact that we had driven my car to the club? Did I think twice before I left with him after only sweeping the club once to find them? Did I think about the fact that my phone was IN my car? The answer to all of these is: NO. I wanted to get laid.

There was no guitar hero. There was a shot of vodka which I threw up over his balcony onto the neighbors'. We pretty much got right to it and I wish I had nitty gritty details about our sex but all I remember is he kept holding my head up and saying, "Carrie.. Carrie.. stay with me. Open your eyes" YA, that's how drunk I was. I remember the sex being enjoyable, I believe I was very..uh..vocal, but I don't remember ever reaching my climax. He kept saying to me, "Come with me baby, come with me now." I screamed, "NO! You are not going to come inside of me!" and he looked up at me and said, "aren't you on the pill?" I'm sorry but is it common for every chick to be on the pill? I thought that was a retarded assumption. But then again, he was bit of a retard himself.

I hate to admit this but I got bored after an hour or so. I don't know if it was because I was extreeeemely drunk and exhausted, or if it was because he wasn't that good of a lay. I don't remember when I fell asleep but I really hope it was in the middle of intercourse so he felt like a dumb ass.

I woke up the next morning confused as to where I was. When it hit me, I sprang up in bed "OH SHIT!" Did I really leave me roommates at the club without telling them where I was going?! I scrambled looking for my phone then realized I didn't have it with me. I don't know any of their numbers by heart and knew I was screwed. Then the retard wrapped his arm around me and said, "what's the matter baby?" I gagged, Oh ya.. him. He honestly reminds me of Seth Rogan from Knocked Up. NOT as attractive as I thought. He had a beer belly and really small penis. And I mean really small. Like.. I've seen (and met) penis's 3x as big. Seriously. It was a perfect definition of a chode. I could not believe I slept with THAT. No wonder it didn't feel that good! He didn't even have the potential to make me come!

Ugh I was even more disgusted when I realized I was 30 min. from home and he had to give me a ride. Thank goodness I left my keys with Jessica so they weren't stranded. He looked at me and said, "what, you don't like morning sex?" In any other circumstance with about any other man I would've responded differently.. but instead I said, "Uh.. no I need to get home."

He plugged my address into his GPS and I passed out on the drive home. Not before I sneakily deleted my number out of his phone. I woke up as we were getting closer and thanked the Lord. As soon as he stopped in front of my house I opened the door and got out. He stuttered.. "uh... I guess you'll call me right?" I slammed the door and walked inside immediately stepping into the shower.

Was losing my "born again virginity" worth it? Meh, it is what it is. I guess I got it out of my system now I can look for a more qualified candidate.