Best Tits in Hollywood

{Written by: Francesca}

Pity, please. I am a tabloid junkie. It only started a few years ago but has gotten worse and worse.

This week, inTouch magazine has an article on the "Best Breasts in Hollywood." (I tried to find a link to the article but it isn't in the current issue. Sorry! Apparently they have this every year so if you google the title, you'll find lots of fun viewing.)

Oh, please. Let's call them what they are! A salacious article like this DEMANDS salacious vocabulary. (PLEASE, comment with terms you prefer!)

The featured bazongas in the article:
1. Penelope Cruz (who seems to have had implants recently and they, sadly, are NOT attractive).
2. Jessica Simpson (who is in the same boat).
3. Kate Gosselin (whose tits should stay covered, I do NOT want to see them!).
4. Salma Hayek (who won the contest overall).
5. Jennifer Aniston (who I despise but actually would like to see them).
6. Scarlett Johansson (won the men's vote, and mine!).
7. Megan Fox (a total sexpot but it's the whole package, in my mind).
8. Catherine Zeta-Jones (yes, please!).
9. Leona Lewis (No, stay covered with Kate!).
10. Victoria Beckham (who NEEDED the implant change but went too small).

We all love boobies, breasts, tits, bazongas, the girls, man-catchers, what-have-you. If you say you don't we KNOW you're lying. So - who has the best TITS in Hollywood? (besides my fave, Tila Tequila! - of course.)

Orgasms, Please!

{Written by: Francesca}

Let me agree with Kat:

Dear 10 Followers,
So SORRY for neglecting you.
We do love you!
We are busy and have lives

but it doesn't mean we love you less!

Personally, I have to sneak around the children
(Goddess forbid they should see the name of this blog!)
and they were home sick for a while.

(plus: Francesca got LAID!
So I didn't have to write about it QUITE as much
as I had recently GOTTEN SOME.)
((Very sad when it's rare enough it merits this degree of excitement mentioning it!))
(((Married folks REALLY should get lucky more often than this.)))

Ahem.

On to Christina's question: "What I'm curious to know (since everyone is so very open and honest here!) is: How many of you girls have multiple orgasms, how many can orgasm from oral, and how many can not orgasm from having intercourse. Those are some topics I'd like to hear about!"

This is a topic I certainly feel qualified to address. *blush* Oh wait, I'm shameless. How do you redline the blush? Nevermind.

Multiple orgasms? I can but haven't in a long time. (The whole aftershock thing? even just remembering it is DELICIOUS.)
Orgasm from oral? Almost always.
Orgasm from intercourse? Frequently (and most always with the right partner).

The DAH (dumb-ass husband) really, REALLY enjoys giving oral sex. I used to consider this a plus. Lately, it's depressing when he performs it for HIS pleasure rather than mine. He ends up paying NO attention to whether I'm enjoying myself and ultimately spurts on the sheets. Not satisfying at all!

I love oral sex. I don't enjoy giving it much, as I can't breathe well. But for the OM, I totally would. and did. and Goddess willing, I will again.

HOWEVER. I am very penetration-oriented. Meaning whether I'm orgasmic before or after or during or all of the above, I do not get the same satisfaction without SOME "intercourse." Fuck me left, right, and sideways, and I WILL have a good time (and so will you). But I somehow feel cheated if all you're interested in is going down on me. It just doesn't feel like you care about ME at all, KWIM? If all you can see is pussy, does it really matter who it's attached to?

My thoughts aren't organized enough to really address this properly today. Rest assured, I WILL tell all about the OM and phone sex. When the DAH is so disinterested that I'm having better PHONE sex than REAL sex, it's not a good sign. At least I'm HAVING phone sex, LOL!

Blogger doesn't want to perform properly either today, sigh. I promise to collect my thoughts and titillate you better soon!

I may be unique in the Orgasm world..

{Written by Kat}

Before I get to my post...

Dear 10 Followers,

So SORRY for neglecting you.

We do love you!
We are busy and have lives

but it doesn't mean we love you less!

Personally I only blog when inspired like tonight...

so here is my blog>>>

I was reading MormonBachPad the guilty pleasure that it is and in the comments of this post was a line that well I guess inspired? me...

"You can't orgasm from a persons sweet personality."

I do find this to be true. One must have a naughty personality!

BUT for me, personally, I cannot rarely orgasm without trust.

This could be what Carrie meant when she wrote:

"sorry Kat you may want to stop reading.." in this post.

I think she wrote that because if you read that post, you would be well educated on that woman's orgasm history. And God blessed her. I promise I am not jealous
but in that same post she said:

"But by then I had learned how to unattach emotionally and just enjoy sex for what it is"

I have never been able to do that. Not when it comes (tehehe, #clearlyiamverymature) to cumming or orgasming.

To date only 2 men have been able to bring me to the full Niagara release complete with after-pleasure-shock-waves a totally of 3 times. Ever.

For me it all leads to a point of LETTING GO so that I can Let Go.
When I am getting rev'd up by a man and it begins the climax to a climax, I won't, unless I consciously decide to. And what is the magic conscious decision maker for me?

trust

It actually effects me when I am having Kat-time with my bean too..
I have to get myself to that same point and then decide to Let Go. I don't know if it is necessarily trust there too (like trust in myself or something) but what ever it is, I always have to decide to Let Go to get out of my head.

It sucks. But then there are times where I surprise myself. Or rather there have been 2 times.

The first surprise was with my first love Kevin. (yes, his real name)

And actually it is how I figured out he was my first true love.

It was the night we celebrated our 1yr together (a few days after since I was home visiting from my freshman year at college) We held out playing computer games for about 45mins until his mom left and then he had me pinned up against the wall a mere foot away with my pants down so FAST. I'm getting the Tingles below just thinking about it. It was so kinky and nerdy and intimate and primal all rolled into one, it took me by surprise, I didn't have time to put the mental blockers up. (Normal mental blockers say GRAB A CONDOM! Mine say GRAB A CONDOM and DO YOU TRUST HIM?)
And the craziest part, it was via hand. Another reason my blockers weren't up. I had no idea then that one could be brought to full fledged orgasm via bean-flicking! SURPRISE!
It was an hour later after he carried me to the bed for more fun, less clothes and great sex...

that he gave me my first claddagh ring and I realized I loved him.

I still wear that ring to this day, only on my right ring finger.

The second surprise has less fun, more naughty and was

last night with my Endless Pleasure!

[There is a reason that Bitten Usagi and I are such good friends! ;o) No we aren't lesbian lovahs! I bet her hubs would LOOOOVE that!! haha no she is my supplier! Good times!]
Anywho...
Last night I couldn't sleep much like tonight and I decided it was some Kat-time.
I found a little visual stimulation and well SURPRISE!

Which brings me to my question(s)

Have you ever watched porn?
& why or why not?

xoxo Kat

When Did I Lose "IT"...?

{Written by Kat}

First I must quote:
"Anyone who has ever had the "who did you lose your virginity to" conversation with me knows that I immediately launch into a "what do you consider losing your virginity" rant of sorts."
- Bitten Usagi

I feel the same way.

Except

I am actually going to rant blog about it.

My argument:

Sexual Intercourse vs. SEX!

The facts:

Both occurred with Josh May.

Yes, that is his real name. Stalk him if you must. I don't care. {obvi!}

Both occurred when I was 15.

I loved him.

I also didn't know what real love was.

Did I mention I was 15?

My first act of Sexual Intercourse: 

Wednesday before prom...

As I remember it, I had spent most of the night with Josh. His dad and stepmom had been gone the whole time but could have come home any minute. It was probably between 8-9pm because it was dark, we had already had dinner, and his parents came home 30mins later.
He had told me to pack my swimsuit after diving practice when he picked me up. So when he suggested we use the hot tub, I had been prepared.
As a couple we were not strangers to fooling around. (But we also had never gone down on each other yet.) Naturally after some small talk, the hot tub heat got to us and we started fooling around.
I remember the next part so vividly that my legs are starting to tingle from the heat of the water...
My back was to the house and the light from inside bounced off his eyes.
I remember the look in his eyes when he asked me to be his first.
His eyes looked as nervous as I felt. I said yes.
He pulled my suit to the side and put himself inside of me.
This is where I gasped with anticipation. Not pleasure.
He pulled back and fell out. He replaced himself an pulled me down again.
And I started to cry.
Anti-climactic, eh? I explained to him that I just wasn't ready yet.

My first act of Sex: 

Monday, after prom...

Yep. I held out until after prom.
And this is also where I consider my virginity being lost.
 You first will want to know where. Well *deep breathe*...it was at school.
The theatre building, left balcony to be exact.
You see we where both theatre kids. He an actor, I a techie.
All we did was fabricate a Drama Club meeting and I didn't have to be home for an extra hour.
Being the crafty, sneaking beyotch that I am, I kept the balcony door from locking during Theatre Tech earlier, and BAM we had somewhere I could re-seduce my boyfriend into giving it up to me. Had I planned to do IT then? No. But it ended up happening anyway.
We climbed the steps with our tongues in each others' mouths... We picked the left balcony to make out because it would hide us better if someone came up the steps or onto the stage.
After a bit it go hot and heavy and he asked me again if I was ready or else we needed to stop.
This time I said yes.
So there on the cold cement floor, with the condom I later found out was supposed to be used at prom, I lost my virginity.

Now, before I let you all debate on where/when I lost my virginity...

I have to explain something.

It didn't hurt. Well my back hurt later seeing as the floor was solid cement.

I meant that when Josh's amazing penis entered and thrusted until climax, it didn't hurt.

At all.

And there is no chance in hell that he 'popped my cherry' in the hot tub. I promise you that my cherry was not intact prior to the hot tub.

But that is a different story for a different blog.

So readers,
when did I lose "IT"
?

Losing One's Virginity: Technicalities

{Written by BittenUsagi}

Anyone who has ever had the "who did you lose your virginity to" conversation with me knows that I immediately launch into a "what do you consider losing your virginity" rant of sorts. Like I can go on for hours about it (it's really quite pathetic).

This is probably because of who I wish was my first time was with.

So then my question was which do I write about?

I was going to write about my first three as those are the ones that the arguments are about but instead I'm going to write about the one most worth hearing imo. Yeah I'm terrible at directions girls... I prolly should have warned you about that, lol. ;)

*deep breaths*
Okay so this is what I had always imagined my first time would be like. Well with the exception of the setting but hey, when you're both living with parents the locales are limited. He was my first love. I had loved him since we dated the first time and never really got over him to be truthful.

It was beautifully awkward the first time and I saw a side of him that I hadn't before and it will be how I always remember him. There were many (many) times after this but the look in his eyes that very first time was just.... Ahhh. Ummm... excuse me...

*walks off and cools off for a few minutes*

It hurt like hell but it was so beautiful. He was so caring about if I was comfortable or if he was hurting me and if I wanted him to stop or go slower. We were having sex making love on a weight lifting bench in his garage, which he laid a towel down on just for me, but at the time it could have been on the dirty concrete for all I cared. It was amazing even though it hurt like all get out. He was beautiful. We were beautiful together.

Seriously if you've watched Cruel Intentions when Reese and Ryan's charies have sex for the first time that is what it was like. I shit you not. Oh and if you haven't watched it, shame on you. Go watch it. ^w~

Oh and said boy? Looked eerily like Joshua Jackson when we were in high school (still does a lil).

I wished this would have been my first time because I was truly in love and while I don't have a problem with sex outside of marriage I believe that it should be with someone you love. If only for that first time.

Then again had this been my very first time it probably would have made the next few extremely disappointing. Like depressingly disappointing.

Guess I wouldn't change which was first now that I think about it. Even as emotionally painful the first ended up, how absolutely terrible the second was and how amazing this was.

Lessons Taught:
Blog-1, Me-0

EDIT:
Okay so after careful thought and consideration I decided it wasn't fair of me to pick and choose my story for this blog. It's not fair for my fellow contributors, our readers or myself.

Make that Blog-2, Me-0

Ummm when did this become something that's not only fun and talking about sex all the time to me actually learning lessons? >.< ;)

So my very first time a girlfriend and I headed off into uncharted waters together, cause that's what girls do right? Yeah I didn't realize until later that being sexually attracted to girls wasn't something all girls did. The sex wasn't really that memorable other than it being my first time. I don't remember ever having a moment where I was like "OMG that's an orgasm? I want MORE!!". Don't get me wrong it was good, at least enough for us to both keep coming back for more anyway, but it was more exploration and realizing that there are some great pleasures to be had in life.

As for the not knowing at the time that it wasn't what all girls did and that it was something you could be persecuted/made fun of for, I quickly realized this a few months later. Apparently my dear best friend/lover told someone and it spread like wildfire throughout our classes. The jokes were terrible and even just thinking about them now makes my heart ache. I couldn't understand how something that felt so right could be considered "wrong". (oops started to step off on a rant that involved politics but I'll leave that out here, maybe sometime on my own blog.) The teasing hurt a lot and still hurts to this day, which is probably why even now I tend to just allude to it. Hey, I figure my friends are smart and can figure it out. Probably the wrong thing to do but I have my reasons, as pathetic as they may be.

Wow this turned out depressing didn't it??

Well to lighten the mood here is a clip of from Cruel Intentions (recorded just to post here as I couldn't find it online ANYWHERE) which I think is freaking hilarious. Sorry for crappy quality as I just recorded it from the tv like the lazy bum I am.

Feel free to now do the secret society dance. ^w~

Orgasms

{written by: Carrie}

Christina said..

"What I'm curious to know (since everyone is so very open and honest here!) is: How many of you girls have multiple orgasms, how many can orgasm from oral, and how many can not orgasm from having intercourse. Those are some topics I'd like to hear about!

Love the honesty ladies. I totally would not be able to go into detail about my sex life!"

Thanks Christina for the questions! This makes blogging so much more fun, knowing what you want to hear. And what a better subject than ORGASMS! 

Like I previously mentioned, I don't believe I had an orgasm until after leaving my boyfriend who I was sexually active with for 2 years and bought a vibrator. I'm proud to say I gave myself my first orgasm thank you very much. I mean, I felt a pleasurable sensation when we had sex, but never that toe curling, bite my tongue, screaming until my throat is dry, kind of orgasm. (sorry Kat you may want to stop reading..)

I don't think he was necessarily bad, I just think the relationship was so fucked up I never truly let go. Sex was his tool to manipulate me, there were several times I only had sex with him so he would love me. Sometimes it was the only time I felt he loved me. 

Then there was David and did he ever show me what an orgasm was! Shit son, that was some good sex. I definitely experienced multiple orgasms, I think our high was 6 times in one night. (No joke, he was a God.) Like I said, bruises and sore from hours upon hours of mind blowing sex. But by then I had learned how to unattach emotionally and just enjoy sex for what it is: SEX. Beautiful, hot, steamy, orgasmic SEX. 

After awhile this promiscuous relationship caused to rip away at my soul. I wanted sex to be special with someone I loved. So we went our separate ways and I tried desperately to be good. Then I met Adam, he sold me my ipod and got my number. He was a smoker, but for the first time I found this extremely sexy. He was 10 years older than me and had the most beautiful blue eyes. We went back to his place, he opened up a bottle of red wine and we listened to Frank Sinatra. I felt so mature and classy. One thing led to another and I put down my glass on the counter and pinned him against the wall. I was drunk enough not to realize he tasted nasty from the smoke, and he was smooth with his hands. 

We made it back to the bedroom and I suddenly stopped to tell him, "I don't want to have sex." He looked at me like I had just kicked him in the balls, "Why the hell not?!" I was surprised by his hostility. Dude, chill out it's our first time! I told him I was waiting until I fell in love and he said, "I'll love you. I think you're adorable, I want to love you forever." 

Creepy much?

I left his apartment that night wet and bothered. I didn't give in even though I desperately wanted to. When he asked me out the next night I couldn't help saying yes. I found him so incredibly sexy and irresistible. That night he told me he had a gift from the Gods. He was incredible at giving oral sex. I blushed and laughed nervously. I told him I had never orgasmed from oral sex and his eyes popped out of his head. "You haven't?! Darling, we've got to fix this." 

He talked me into it, and with his tongue inside me he taught me how to let go and orgasm. I have to say he gave me the greatest orgasm of my life. But I still wouldn't have sex with him. He didn't even expect a blow job which was amazing. I definitely got the better end of the deal on that one. 3 weeks later he told me he wanted me to meet his dad. After getting nauseous from making out sober I realized this would never work. I said goodbye and he got really pissed at me. Now that I think about it, pretty sure he needed anger management.

2 weeks later I was at a party and got extremely drunk and found myself sitting in my room after the party completely horny. So, I called him of course. I told him I was lost and needed help. (this can go down as a great drunk story as well) How could he turn down a damsel in distress? So I literally walked 2 blocks and sat on the corner in my little tube top dress and heels. He didn't look too happy when he picked me up and I immediately regretted my decision. (milk was a bad choice)

We went back to his place and he started yelling at me for being such a "dumb bitch." I started crying and finally he said, "Well, since you made me get out of bed and pick your pathetic ass up I at least deserve sex for this." I looked at him with my tear stained face, mascara running down my cheeks and said "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" I told him to fuck off and that I was walking home. He grew some sympathy and told me it was OK and he'd take me home in the morning. I was scared out of my mind, here I am this 19 year old girl drunk and in practically a strangers home. He could have easily raped me. Luckily I got out of there alive but not without an extremely awkward drive home in the morning. 

I believe to this day he still hates me. I'm banned from the apple store.

I think that answers your questions Christina ;)

What virginity?

{Written by: Francesca}

Virginity? Dull story. Wait for the drunken one.

Oh my. It's been a long time, girls.

The summer I was 18, I was IN LOVE. Looking back, I was more in love with love and horny as hell, but it felt real to me then. My first boyfriend and I just HAD to tell him I loved him.

His response? "I'm moving to California for the summer."

Just a little devastated, I went to his goodbye party, and met the man of my dreams.

(Trouble was, I later realized, he was the man of HIS dreams too, which meant I should NOT have believed anything he said to me.)

Tall, charming, funny, SO on my wavelength - and he LIKED me!

(I was a late bloomer and didn't get asked out on a DATE until I was 18. Pity party!)

We went out for 27 days.

(Yes, it's been 20 years, but I still remember the number.)

We were both 18-year-old virgins, horny as hell, and "in love."

(We truly were very compatible, the problem was he was rebounding and didn't realize it, and I believed he was who he said he was.)

He drove a little pickup with a camper shell on it and we would make out in the back of the pickup for hours. I was a GOOD GIRL and had no intention of going all the way.

Then one day he got my panties off and put his mouth on me. And after my first screaming orgasm, he proposed.

Yes, girls, I waited until I was married.

The day arrived (2 days later, we weren't waiting for much. My family objected strenuously and so we just got married at the courthouse on Tuesday. We bought the license on Monday.) and I was a giddy mess. MIL took us to lunch and we retired to the apartment he shared with two other guys (he had his own room! what?!).

Where he tried to convince me we should WAIT to have sex.

(I think this was the second thoughts and realizing it was a rebound romance. He was trying to save me.)

And I said "I did NOT just defy my family to marry you in order to NOT have sex!"

So we did. He was really not sure where to put it.

(endearing at the time, laughable in retrospect.)

I had to help. I did not mind.

It didn't hurt. It felt great. Mutual orgasm. I wrung that poor boy out until 9 months later he had to run away. A nyphomaniac was born.

(Yes, I was married at 18 and divorced at 19. No kids, thank God! And if anyone who knows me reads that sentence, they will know who I am, because I have used that exact phrase many times.)

There are days I think any cock would do (nymphomaniac), and days where I just "MAKE do." There are few days where the DAH (dumb-ass husband) is interested, but they are few and far between, selfish on his part (how to make a nympho NOT enjoy sex), and too quick. Which is where the OM (other man) and phone sex comes in. What would I do without phone sex?

That will have to wait for another post. *wink*

Wanted: A Throbbing Member ASAP

{written by Kat}

So as I type this Carrie has told us that our first reader-voted topic is "how we lost our virginity" AND I am simultaneously watching VH1 News: The New Virginity...
But I can't focus enough to recap my first time(s).
& I am FAR to horny to go reminisce right now, which I'll get to.

Right now, I am just going to talk about
The Penis.

and also how bad I need to get some!

I have been having a sexual week:
I haven't had Kat-time with my bean area this week due to my monthly duties.
I hosted a sex toy Slumber Party by BittenUsagi Cathy.
and then tonight I come home from GIRLS ONLY only so see...
this post from Jake of MBP
&
this post from our Carrie* on her blog.

!!!

My reaction to Jake's post:

"We moved from the couch to the floor, and I was on top of her... kissing her. I find that when I am on top she is less likely to initiate dry humping. During our make out, right there in Calvin's basement she reached her hand down the front of my pants.
[...] This is the first time that a member of the opposite sex has touched me there, skin to skin. It was shocking and exciting... and I wanted so badly to act on what I was feeling. However,"

!!!
However?! HOWEVER?!
Dear Jake,
I started to read the comments that your Mormon support team fangirls followers and I could not bear to post my impure thoughts in your comments.
But here on our blog, I can and shall be honest.
I wanted to hear about your penis. I wanted to read how it throbbed under this new touch. I wanted to read about how Sanders changed your life via HJ.
I also wanted to shank Sanders and take her place. And trust, had teleportation been possible combined with my level of pent-up horny-ness, it is very likely I would have raped you.
Moral of this letter:
I need to get laid.
Facts of this letter:
I'm committed to my 'no sex outside of love' vow.
I am so FUCKING single it's not even funny.
I am still having my monthly duty and won't be able to release for at least another 24hrs.
I shall pray that you never mention your penis while I am horny again.
I need to get laid.
I won't get laid anytime soon.
FML.

My reaction(s) to Carrie's post:
Part 1: "I'm going to call him David because no joke, he looks just like David Beckham. ... He was ripped and had those sexy hip bones that stuck out and framed his perfectly chiseled abs."
Part 2: "I would wake up with bruises and sore as hell from him throwing me around, don't get me wrong, I loved every second of it."

Part 1- DAYUM! and also DAAAAAMN!
*wipes drool from mouth and goes to change panties*
[Only 50% of that was a joke^]
Part 2- I miss rough and tumble fun.
I miss my vibrator. Damn it.
*grumble, grumble*
Dear Carrie,
I am sorry but I might have to avoid your posts until...?
Moral of this letter:
Why the fuck do WE have to bear children and deal with nature?!
Facts of this letter:
I need to have Kat-time with my bean.
Or get laid.
I won't get laid anytime soon.
Damn period.
FML.

This post

is all over

the place!

Seriously, I am just so sexually frustrated right now,
even though I can't think straight, I just needed to vent.
I'm also pretty sure it didn't help.

OH!
PLUS!
I am always super prone to being horny while on my period and as my luck would have it I worked with Grant today... If you don't know from my Tweets, Grant is the guy at work that I have been trying not to rape for the last 8 months.
Can we say it together now?
FML!

How I lost my virginity

{written by Carrie*}

The people have spoken ladies.. our first survey topic is "How I lost my virginity". I kind of wish I could make up a story because mine isn't very entertaining. Maybe I'll spice it up a little bit.

It was 3 weeks before my 18th birthday so I felt somewhat rebellious not yet being "legal". He was my first legit boyfriend, the same fuck face who cheated on me when we were engaged then went bi-sexual and fucked a dude.. got chlamydia and tried getting back together with me. My life is a joke.

Anyway, we'd be dating a month or so and he was sexually experienced and of course, I was somewhat a good mormon girl just waiting to rebel. I was insecure, clingy, and loved that loser more than I should have. We both lived with our parents so we spent many hours camping out in the back of my Rodeo. I remember one night as we were fogging up the windows I told him I was ready. He told me he wanted my first time to be special and we shouldn't do it in the back of my car. I was a bit disappointed since I was hot and ready, but waited for the right time.

I guess the right time was the next morning when his mom was at work and I skipped school to be with him. (I did that a lot.. not the smartest thing). We were in his tiny twin bed that smelled of semen when he entered me for the first time. It was not pleasurable, it hurt like hell, I bled, it was awkward, and I just didn't get the big deal. After a few minutes I screamed at him to get off me and ran to the bathroom crying. Yes, I cried. And not because it was beautiful. It hurt and I felt guilty.

He made me eggs and I spilled the yolk all over his favorite white Quicksilver sweatshirt. Of course the sex got better the more we tried, but sometimes I wish I had a better first experience. Sometimes I wish I had waited, sometimes I wish I had never met him. But you know, the past shapes who you are.

I didn't discover what an orgasm was until I dumped him and bought a vibrator. I remember calling up my friend and saying, "OMG I think I just had my first orgasm!" And from there, it's all been downhill. I'm a horny sexual mess. But oh, how I love it.

P.S. Here's some num nums for you junkies

If you ever visit the Pour House in Loveland, CO

you may or may not find this on their wall

:)

Happy  Humping

I should be packing..

{written by: Carrie}

But I'm going to talk about masturbation instead. Why is it I'm always the most horny when on my cycle? I mean, it's like God is sitting there laughing at the torture he's causing me. I know some girls do it in the shower and what not, but that just disgusts me. I'm NOT comfortable with my period, I think that is just gross if you are. I have never and will never have sex on my period no matter how horny I am. Ugh [gag]

Anyway, only a few days left. I need medical marijuana just for my horrid cramps, think I can use that as an excuse? Maybe if I just go into detail about my period and menstruation flow the doctor will get so uncomfortable he'll just give me a prescription. Or I'll show a nipple, just one though. Showing two makes me a tramp. (Ask Charlotte, she knows) Anyone remember the episode with the sailors and Charlotte shows a nipple? haha I should watch that.

All I can say is I am anticipating a much needed date with the Quivler Tickler sometime this week. I couldn't masturbate when I was in Colorado because I forgot him, and was sleeping in the same bed as Jessica most nights (not that that would've stopped me). Haha I joke.

Guess I should get back to packing. My mom's eyes popped out of her head as she saw me pull into the driveway with a car full of liquor boxes. I said with a straight face, "I've been saving up for the move." She never knows whether to laugh or cry when it comes to me. She also saw my "Bar Careers- your manual inside! Thank you for joining us!" packet that came in the mail when I was gone. Oh mother, just love me, there's no hope for my soul.

Warning: Lame intro ahead!

{Written by Bitten Usagi}

So I am finally posting. I know it's about dang time. So I figured I'd introduce myself with my first post. Oh so exciting, right?

I'm Cathy, aka Bitten Usagi, and I am definitely not anonymous. Almost everyone that knows me knows that if it weren't for the gutter my mind would be homeless and that one of my livelihoods depends on my talking to and educating women about sex, whether with a partner or some solo bean flickin'. Yeah it rocks and I get all sorts of awesome articles about such topics on a daily basis. I always wonder what a stranger would think if they opened that email address on my phone as the email subjects can be downright hilarious on their own.

I'm married and we have two furkids, both of which provide us material for lots of dirty jokes as one is a wiener dog and the other is a cat. Example: Before traveling back home to see our parents my husband was talking to his mom on the phone and told her "I just gotta go home and grab my wiener and I'll be on my way". *few moments of silence* "Honey, would you stop and think about what you just said?"

I have lots of crushes. Boys & girls. Hey, I'm married. Not dead. The hubs and I have been known to check out girls together. Odd fact: We tend to have similar tastes though I'm pretty sure if I saw me I wouldn't like me.

So that's me. I intended this post to be funny, but my brain has gone on strike so I apologize if it's lame. That's what 3 hours of sleep and an early morning will do to me. >.< I will do better next time as I won't (hopefully) be sleep deprived. Oh and I have to share this little gem my Human Sexuality prof shared today because it's awesome and something I feel very strongly about.


Word.

The Rastafarian Bartender

{written by: Carrie}

My first night in Denver, remember this night for it shall be epic as the beginning of a new adventure in the life of Carrie and Jurassica.

We didn't know what clubs were hoppin' and made the mistake of going to the only one we'd heard of: The Church. I can't even begin to explain how ironic this felt to me. I grew up this goody goody momo girl in Utah County, being forced to go to church and conform to the cult, and here I am 10 years later going to a club in Denver, high and drunk called, THE CHURCH.

makes me [giggle].

So, we get to church [which is actually an old cathedral with pictures of Jesus and shit and everything] which is an awesome setup but we soon realized the people were not much to be desired of. There are fat chicks in fish net tops and tutus, tranny's, eskimos, and really ugly men. It seemed like everyone was on drugs the way they stood there and stared at the DJ. I looked around and wanted to scream, breaking them out of their transe, "WHY IS NOBODY DANCING!?"

What's even better were the gothic's in the basement and the creepy Mexicans in the Hip-Hop room. We soon discovered the DJ's were better looking than the guys at the club. We found this VIP section with less creepers and an EXTREMELY sex dripping, beautiful, mouth watering, orgasmic Rastafarian Bartender. I mean, he was HOT! By this point neither of us could dance and hold our drinks so we stayed at the bar and enjoyed our deluctically made Mau-Tau's.

We stood there dreaming of ways to get him naked and in our bed, drooling over the bar. At one point I actually tried getting one leg over the bar so I could hop over there and do him right there on the floor. OK so maybe not, but that doesn't mean I didn't dream about it.

I believe at one point I leaned over the counter, told him how extremely sexy he is and that I would like to make his babies. I mean, by now I was so wet it was dripping down my leg. He did us the great favor of telling the creepy men at the bar that we were new from Utah and needed friends. Ironically enough their names were the same names of both of Jessica's ex's. The short midget who smelled of beef and cheese told me he loved how my "hair framed my neck." He couldn't stop talking about how "unique" my hair cut is, I guess that's what you get with a girl from Utah. haha.

Next thing you know, I see Jessica scream and run off. She waved for me to come over and help her get her bra back on! haha the creepy Midget unsnapped her bra with one snap, ugh what a pervert. We met a black girl named Celeste or something and she got my number.

Best part of the night was when Brian (the mouth watering Rasta waiter) handed us his card with his cell phone number.

The night ended as I text'd him, "Brian you are a very beautiful man, I am in love with you. XoXo -Carrie."

Oh, Charlie

{Written by Francesca}

The photo below got me thinking. Sounds like Charlie Sheen is being a bad boy again. Jesus wept.

I didn't care when it came out he was a BIG John client of Heidi Fleiss. I didn't care when Denise Richards (the spoiled chick who REDUCED her breast implants. please.) and he broke up - sounded like it was both their faults. I didn't care WHAT he did, I adored him.

Now his current baby mama (wife, whatev) says he's pulled what, a knife on her? and it's hard to maintain my disbelief and keep loving Charlie.

Who am I kidding? It isn't just love and affection that keeps me believing the best of Charlie. It's that he's just so hot. It isn't his smokin' bod (he's got an average physique, right?), it's WHO HE IS that makes him sexy. And I would totally do him. I know he wouldn't hurt ME.

I hate when I have doubts about my matinee idols. (I also choose to believe Michael Jackson was innocent, in more ways than one.) I'd much rather think about them while flicking it than worry about whether they're abusers.

Come home to Francesca, Charlie Darling. I'll take GOOD care of you. Promise. Kisses.

When Past Returns to Present

{written by Kat}
warning: lengthy.
[tehehehe twss]

I will never understands the motives of men!

Okay. Maybe I will never understand the trigger of male motives.
Yeah. That sounds way more accurate.

Today I bring you the story of REALLY past, Kinda past and suddenly present combined in the name of Jeremy.

REALLY past:
From middle school to high school, I had many crushes.

Ever hear the song "Flavor of the Week" by American Hi-Fi... Well in my family we use to joke that song was me. Except I was a female with new boyfriends/crushes every week instead of some male assface womanizer.

Amoung the crushes of 6th grade-sophomore year, there was a boy named Jeremy.

Yes, this is his real name.

And I had a super big crush on him. Until I met his older brother. Then I had a super big crush on both.

Seriously, I swooned over Jason at my middle school graduation.

And this crush on Jeremy had an ebb and flow. Some weeks there, some not due some other "hottie."I still find most of those "hotties" still attractive. (At least the then versions of them)
Another thing about Jeremy. He was a popular kid. Even in middle school.

If you think I was 'popular'... um thanks! But only if you count theatre!

Somewhere between 8th grade and sophomore year, I fooled around with Jeremy.

Yeah! I totally did!

The thing is I don't remember how much.
You see once the incident with Nick occurred (my very first kiss in 8th grade), I became a snog-slut. Not because it was good. In fact Nick was awful. Like making out with a dog. But in my heart bean, even then, I knew le french kiss was supposed to be way more epic.

And I was totally right.

So I snogged a LOT more boys.

One day on Twitter there was a discussion as to how many people we've kissed... I did not @reply. Why? Because I really don't know. Like, I am not sure I can ball park... But I digress...

And with the snogging, came the heavy petting.
And as far as Jeremy goes... I have no idea if I only snogged him or if I let him towards my bean.
I've had sex dreams since Day 1 Nick I-have-no-clue-when and I don't know if I had a fantasy about letting Jeremy flick my bean on the roof of Sam's house (coincidentally Nick's much-hotter/taller/skinnier/more rebellious cousin who was my age, then crush and future drug dealer...) or if it actually happened because, well...
I have SHIT for brains. I have an AWFUL memory.

I remember the most random shit, but other things GONE.

So...why tell you about a LOT embarrassing slutiness from my past?
Well...DUH other than because this is a blog about dirty things...


Kinda past:
Thanksgiving is always a Thursday. #fact
Wednesday night is my favorite night to go to Cowboys. #truth
I made sure that when I went home for Thanksgiving, I could be home Wednesday so I could go to Cowboys. And as fate luck would have it, it was practically a high school reunion of one of my crowds... and yet amoung them was, yep, Jeremy.
And Jeremy was SHITFACED! 316 sheets to the wind D-RUNK.
Also Jeremy would not stop eye-raping dancing with me. So I danced with him, flirted slightly and then said good-bye when they all left 95% sure he wouldn't remember seeing me.

suddenly present:
I am driving home from a sleep-over in Denver.
I get a text to my phone from Facebook.
I have 1 message from... right again, Jeremy.

Oh, you know only 2.5 months later.

So when I get home I read:

"Hey how have you been doing?? hopefully good. you should give me your # so I could call you sometime"

um. huh? what? k.

"heya. doin alright. my number is SONOTGOINGTOBEPOSTEDONABLOG still but i am living up in northern colorado which is the classier way to say THEHICKVILLETOWNILIVE (hence the just alright) how about you? what are you up to these days? didn't exactly get a chance to catch up at the club. heh ;o) -Kat "

And then he texted me exactly 23 mins later:

"Hi kat!!! This is jeremy"

I have not texted him back.


THEORIES:

• He has no recollection of seeing me at the club but saw how hot I look on Facebook right now and messaged me.
• He faintly remembers seeing me at the club and saw how hot I look on Facebook right now and messaged me.
• He  remembers seeing me at the club but was embarrassed about how drunk he was but then when he saw how hot I look on Facebook right now he messaged me. 
• ....um.... ? Dude I wrote a blog about this obviously I have no clue...
  

Evidence:

Yeah that is all I got.

What is my next move?
Discuss:

Introducing...

{written by Francesca}

Another Pony Lover. NOT!

I met Carrie via MBP reading, and have fallen in love. I'm married, but the spouse has no interest in sex. I'm a mother of 3 and just keeping my dirty mind hidden from the children is a job in itself! I'm NOT Mormon, I'm NOT Republican, and I'm NOT in Utah. I AM anonymous; I chose Francesca as my nom de plume because Meryl Streep's character in Bridges of Madison County was named Francesca and I identify with her much more of late. All will be revealed later - I keep nothing back as an Anonymous contributor!

My most shocking confession: I am extremely attracted to Tila Tequila. I thought I was 100% straight, but that girl flat does it for me. I have a girl-crush on Dita von Teese but I don't think about having sex with her; I see a picture of Tila and I get horny. I want to bite her nipples (which are always on display, right?). Go figure. People bust on her for being a tramp but what's wrong with that? It means my chances are GOOD!

I love feedback and will ask for opinions so please, comment away! I look forward to sharing more dirty thoughts.

Birthday Suit

{written by: Jurassica}

Twenty-One
Doesn't feel any different, except for the 3 new zits I found on my face this morning, I don't look any different either.. My ex was happy to burst my youthful bubble by reminding me that I no longer have any birthdays to look forward to.. Thanks Asshole, I appreciate it.
So I couldn't sleep last night... Thankfully I was bound and determined to get my room a little more organized before Carrie gets here so I had something to keep me preoccupied. I decided that I would stay up at least until midnight cleaning so that I could sing Happy Birthday to myself... Wasn't as fun as I was anticipating, but it was productive none the less.. As the hours past by and midnight came and went (that's what she said) I could NOT turn my brain off, thoughts kept drifting to the past, good times, when my papa was still here and how special he would make all of my birthdays.. those are the times I will cherish for the rest of my life..
Anyways enough of that, here's what I'm getting at...
This morning started early, I ended up getting 3 whole hours of sleep.. it was rough and annoying to not be able to fall asleep, even with my warm toasty electric blanket cranked up I could not for the life of me turn my brain off! What do I do?! You know you've been there ladies AND gents.. (Again this reminds me of Weeds, Season 5 when Andy is jerking off while Nancy is in bed right next to him.. haha best show of all time!) NATURE'S SLEEPING PILL! Nothing like flicking your bean to fall asleep, be honest and let me know if you've done this, this was not the first time I have flicked it to fall asleep, and let me tell you something, IT WORKS! And there is nothing like a little Birthday Bean Flicking, it was a great way to start/end the day.. I just hope I don't have too many nights like that, I hate laying there for hours with nothing to do and no one to talk to.. Except Flipper of course! ;)

(forgot to post this yesterday)

Everyone's flicking their bean!

{written by: Carrie}

I have a feeling you are in for a TREAT next week!

I go to Colorado this weekend to visit my sweet cheeks Jurassica and job hunt. ALSO Kat and I are meeting in real life! Who would've thought my Blog BFF lives less than an hour from where I'm moving!? Basically kids, dreams do come true.

The three of us will be hitting up the clubs in Denver and I'm sure it'll be a little different than Salt Lake City. At least I won't get kicked out for dressing immodestly. =]

Stay tuned for a 5th anonymous blog author joining our team soon! If you would like to contribute and think you have a great story please shoot me an e-mail! I promise to keep all your personal information confidential if you so desire.

New Years Resolution Numero Uno!

{written by: Jurassica}

Join a blog-

Done & Done.

Well first of all I might as well let the other 2 bloggers, in this now blogging square, know who I am... Jurassica, or Jessica and I am NOT anonymous, though I probably should be as well. I live in Colorado and Carrie B. is one of my besties.. and soon to be roomie.

Though I have been lacking in the blogging world, I love to do it and I figured what the hell Jessica, you have 3 failed blog attempts, yet you never fail to read Carries, go for it, you can do it! Besides that I like to write PLUS my life is like a really sick and twisted movie, and I figure people might want to read about it... AND I need the therapeutic benefits of writing, so I accepted the invite from my beloved Carrie.

Did I mention I like to "Flick my bean", newly divorced and sexually active for nearly 8 years it has become routine for me... his name is Flipper, and our relationship has been pretty solid for the past 6 months.. he doesn't argue with me and I only curse at him when he forgets to change his batteries.. A small chore that I don't mind doing for him, if only he'd warn me.. there's nothing like being hot and ready only to discover that the batteries are dead.. (Side note for any "Weeds" fans out there, ever see that episode right after Judah died and Nancy tried to "Flick her bean" and the batteries were dead?! haha HILARIOUS crosses my mind every time I find myself in the situation) Anyways life is great, and though I am having a bitch fest of a day I have every intention of ending this day on a positive note. Tonight I have a date with my cute 10 year old cousin Anna, we share the same birth week and we are having a celebratory dinner/shopping date! Then tomorrow I wake up 21, that's right tomorrow is the big 2-1! Gonna party like a Rock? Star? Well maybe not but 2 days after that I sure am! Carrie will be here and will begin her adventure in Colorado! I cannot wait the anticipation is KILLING me! Things are looking up at this point at 2010 should prove to be an interesting and prosperous year! The adventures of Carrie & Jurassica will prove to be interesting, this is a promise.

Well I look forward to sharing this blog with the 3 of you and I think that we can all accomplish great things here! Go flick your bean bitches! Adios!

Jurassica

The Discovery

{written by: Kat}

So once again it is past 1am

& I have not properly embraced my pillow...

Nor have I finished editing my 2010 vlog,
nor finished writing my 2009 blog,
nor have I begun my 2010 blog.

And yet here I am.
Mostly because I was surfing a random site
& found this pic:

It made me stop and think.
NO!
It did not make me stop and flick my own bean and think.
But really, I stopped and thought about it.

How many females out there were raised to be afraid of their femininity?
How many females out there have been too afraid to touch themselves there?
How many females out there were told that their 'bean' is only for their husband? Or worse... How many females out there were told if ANYONE were to touch their 'bean' it would mean 'hell'?
Or even worse...
How many females out there (yes even in the dear old US) were rushed to the ER (or kept bleeding and alone) because their culture says no 'bean' because you are subhuman?

There is SO much more to sinning (and not sinning) with your bean than what is commonly known or believed in.

What do I believe?
Well you are here at my our blog...
So I shall tell you.

I believe that God put twice as many nerve endings in our tiny bean as he put in the whole tip of the male's southern pole for a reason.
I believe that a healthy amount of time spent with one's bean is a good thing.
I believe that the next male I let go there is going to have as much respect for my mind and my heart as he does for my bean.
I believe that I am going to do my best to let my daughter know that her own bean is something to be proud of and to take care of. (Yeah, it sounds super uber creepy but I will find a way to make it not...)
I believe in the picture I found.

...What do you believe?


And, no, despite my believing...
I am not going to be having 'Kat'time with my bean.
Well, not tonight anyways... ;o)

What a waste of mascara

{written by: Carrie}

I was really hoping last night was going to be a blast. I was driving from Utah County up to Salt Lake around 10 pm and got a flat tire on Bangeter Highway, that was a good way to start the night. Then my friends picked me up and I left my car sitting in a bank parking lot. Gosh, I hope it's alright. The party was full of douche bags, the Salt Lake City kinda douche bags: guys who think they are way more legit than they are, fat chicks, pregnant chicks, mexican chicks, all talking way too high and way too fast. I only knew about 5 or 6 people there so we all stuck together in the corner.

I got drunk entirely too quickly and could hardly finish a game of pool. Me and a few girl friends were sitting on the couch talking when this guy who looks JUST like my ex walked up. I'm glad my reflexes weren't as sharp as normal or I would have knocked him out. He came over to tell me his cousin thinks I'm really pretty. I smiled and said "thanks" then he asked if he should send her over. "Her"? I asked. My friends found this all too hilarious and told him YES. She came over and really wasn't as butch as I was expecting. Long blond hair, thin, cute little flower in her hair, then she smiled... man I hate to be a bitch but that girl had some buck teeth. haha! not that I was looking to hook up with her, just noticed. I was so uncomfortable I didn't really know what to say to her. She followed me around most of the night or I saw her and her girl friends giggling and staring at me. Finally I sat down next to her on the love sac and said, "Honey, I apologize but I have a boyfriend and I really like to suck his dick." She started laughing and told me she was only bi, just thought I was pretty. She apologized if she freaked me out. We laughed about it and shortly after I think she left. You would've thought I'd be horny enough to take what I could get but I just wasn't feeling it.

To be honest I wasn't horny at all last night! I guess I got it all out of my system with my date with the Quivler Tickler before the party started. I am grateful for this, seeing that I would have most likely regretted hooking up with some low life in the coat closet.

The rest of the night really isn't blog-worthy. Someone found me outside laying in the snow with my face in my own throw up. I guess somewhere in the night I threw up all over the hostess's basket of shoes and felt guilty so I went out on the back porch. Then luckily my friends found me in time to drag my sorry ass home. I remember at one point throwing up outside the window on the freeway, after getting through my door I army crawled the entire flight of stairs up to my shower then passed out in there for another hour or so. Woke up a bit panicked thinking I was drowning, then made it to my bed where I passed out for 14 hours.

And that brings us up to now. Hungover as hell, still smelling a little of throw up, confused and grateful to wake up in my bed. It's a shame this wasn't a more glamourous story. Good news is I may have pushed myself over the edge enough to quit drinking again.

Anyone have a more exciting start of their New Year?